Why are stepmoms hated

No, not every woman hates being a stepmom. There are, however, a lot of women who do struggle with this role and feel guilty for the very natural feelings they might have, and this might resonate with them. There are a few reasons why you might hate being a stepmom. This can be frustrating and tiring enough when you are a mom to your own children. This nuclear family ideal was only popular for about fifteen years in our long history, but it is often the status quo family image in the media.

This is not to mention the conflict that arises between mom and stepmom as they engage in the same work for the same kids. You expected to have control over your schedule, time, finances, relationships, and parenting of any children in your home? More fool me… you might not be able to take a vacation when you want, or to the destination of your choice. You might plan a date night with your love, only to have them tell you the kids are coming instead.

You might be living with kids who have no rules or expectations , despite your best efforts or planning. The lack of control over your own life can be extremely challenging, particularly for women who have been living independent, child-free lives until they met their partner.

They require work, effort, compromise, letting things go, and supporting another human through the best and worst moments of their life. For you, stepmom, the beginning of your relationship might also include abusive texts from the ex, attitude from your new stepkids, and a trial-by-fire introduction into the court system.

Romantic, right? So, you hate being a stepmom, but you love your partner. What do you do? They have broken most of their equipment by now from bikes to balls, to a bent BB gun, arrows ruined by being left out in the rain, bike helmets ripped apart, trucks dismantled, etc. It has been about years of implementing the outside practice. Some weekends are fun, but most weekends are spoiled and soured by tantrums, crying, moping, pouting — basically angry, spoiled behavior.

The oldest now 12 — I met him when he was 6 has been completely brainwashed by his mother. At this point, my older stepson has been given the choice by my husband to come or stay with his mother. He, of course, chose to not come this past weekend, as his main goals in life are to sit on butt and play as many video games for as long as possible. We still got the younger 8 , and we had the best weekend ever! Although the younger still repeats some of the nonsense his mother taught him, he has a mind of his own and practices great personal discernment.

My own daughter has been relieved to have her home be her castle again. With her toxic stepbrothers outside mostly, her artwork and belongings have not suffered destruction in quite a while.

She is able to relax on the weekends again, and although she was very kind and generous to her stepbrothers from day one, she has taken to completely ignoring the older one as she is unable to trust him — a natural reaction to anyone who has wreaked havoc in your life, and years later simply, after much pressure from his father and I, offered a meek and hesitant apology.

In my twelve years of teaching, I have encountered all types of children from K, and being a teacher that is mostly loved and requested by students, I can safely say that it really IS the biomoms and stepkids when they are being vile in your home.

You fell in love with a man who hopefully loves you back enough to demand respect for you from his own children. His children will grow up, become adults, and lead lives of their own someday, and you will still have your husband. MEA, Thank you for that response.

I am also a teacher and I have been struggling with behavior issues from my soon-to-be stepson. Most recently he told his dad that his mom told him to be mean to me. We already assumed as much. I really enjoyed this article but your response has helped me more than anything. Thank you! Take your negativity elsewhere, this is supposed to be supportive. Why are step parents always the villians. Since snow white — why arent their books on dealing with evil step children?

Laquita, maybe HATE is the reason for this reaction.. Perhaps judging is not the answer but understanding, patience and love is. You should consider blended families exist and condemnation is not right. How would you feel if condemned by another, falsely? I have three step kids and let me just say I understand what every step mother is going through. The kids hate you for no reason as well. I agreed…..

My 2 stepkids live with us, everything was great and I love them so much…. Now she is acting with me like I am a monster. I just hope that this situation do not destroy my marriages.

How are things going for you? I am in the exact same position as you and I feel like nobody I turn to understands. My stepkids live with us, do not see their mother at all, and have been with me for 10 uears now. My husband defends me and supports me, but I have no kids of my own and I miss the family feeling i once got. Children go through different phases in their relationship with their parents. The most important thing is that your husband is supportive of you. I have one older step child that has always not liked her father, let alone me.

The younger child it was awkward at first, but got better and she liked being around her dad and me. However, both treated before me their father very disrespectfully, and they still do. In fact, it has gotten worse.

The younger will see the father, but not with me around. He said that the ex always controlled how close he could be to his kids and still does. I did not want to be involved in all the drama and I allowed him to suck me into it.

I even begged him to go to counseling, which he did. I also got involved in that counseling. I truly support him to have a good relationship with his kids, I truly wish he did. I tried to support him but now I have turned out to be the bad guy. I HATE how this has turned around on me, and everyone else acts so nonchalant about all the drama. It has had a negative impact on our marriage. She has absolutely no interest to get involved with anyone else.

I can go on and on since there is so much to tell. But, that would take me a great deal of time. So so sad; very sad. I hate it all! My husband siding with the step kids at all costs have made my 13year marriage miserable. They won. I approached this situation whole heartedly only to now realize that no matter what I do it will never be enough!! Their BM is def in my opinion a narcissist out with one purpose and that is to try and destroy any happiness whatsoever even if it includes the happiness of her own children..

This is by far harder than I ever dreamed it to be! These days I have given up.. I feel I should be more adult about the situation and try harder but as the lady above mentioned people will only know if they have walked a mile in your shoes!!

Im there in the same boat. I have 4 stepkids and we have 3 and im. The first 9 yrs we manages and balanced ok, squabbles here n there. Now that they are teens, im. We separated for a bit, due largely to the stress of the skids.

I have given up in most ways w the skids. I feel. My stepkids listen to their mom say horrible things about me. Crazy thing is, they both have said things about their mom. Now they hate me and told their dad to choose me or them. Apparently i am the reason they arent a family anymore. Those girls used to stay up all night talking to me.

We did stuff together. How can they be so cruel. You and your husband should start family counseling and then eventually get them involved as well. It may have to start with you and your husband, your husband and his girls and then finally bring you and girls and then all of you together to work things out. Good luck! In the beginning I remember his kids being sweet. He has 2 boys. But as time progressed the youngest one was constantly trying to disobey me. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and my kids are always getting complemented on how great they are and so well mannered.

I have always strived to make sure my kids were being raised right. These kids had never been taught any manners from speaking to elders to eating like humans and not cows. I understood that my bf needed tons of help and was willing to do whatever I could since his kids would be a reflection of me as well when they r with us. The oldest one took on real quick does everything right the younger one just challenges me Everytime.

This kid made his grandparents which would one day be my in laws hate me by making up stories about me. They r much older now ones in 8th grade and one is in 4th grade. Recently they came over for their summer visit and it started immediately with the youngest doing everything in his power to be bad I decided to have a talk with him seeing as Everytime he is bad and his father and I seem to fight. We never fight when they r not around.

I talked to his son and basically was told he hates me and does everything on purpose to cause us to fight in hopes we will break up. This kid will stop at nothing and I am not getting the support I should be getting from his father despite him constantly saying he will or is and we will make it through I feel utterly alone and really just wanting to end the relationship. I feel horrible my child has to lose the chance at having a family because of his son and his inability to help me.

Any advice? Thanks in advance. Do not let your hateful step kids any where near your new baby!!!! All of these stories make me sad.

I keep hoping I will get to see a light at the end of this tumultuous tunnel. My ex-husband and I get a long very well. It took a lot of work, but we did it for the good of our child. My ex was an addict. I left him and it seemed to do the trick, as far as him sobering and improving his life. This makes me happier than anyone knows. Especially for our child.

Anyhoo, I began dating a man. A wonderful man whom I love very much. I knew him and his children for two years prior to us dating.

So when it all began, my man put it all out there for his kids…and mine as well. It took some adjustment for my child, but I keep the lines of communication open and talk to him regularly about how he feels and if he needs anything from me… and so I have adjusted with him and for him. I speak to my man about adjusting for my boy. We have done well. My man also has an addict for an ex-wife. Since he has seen how well my ex and I work together, he is now trying to do the same.

The mom is still in a difficult place, but she is now beginning to visit with the children…supervised…staying in our home she lives in FL, we in GA. We felt it was best for everyone that we were all under one roof. I am all for it. Mom has not been in the kids life since the oldest was 8 and youngest 4.

They are now 14 and But his love and attachment for his mother is very apparent. My man has full custody of the children. My son and I only see them all on weekends because we live about an hour and a half apart. This is becoming too much for me now.

Well, I may have broken already. But Christmas Eve was my last straw. This child has told me he is going to murder me or told me he hopes someone murders me…in front of my child. He does mean, sneaky things and acts innocent for his father.

Oh, his father. My man is not his real father and the child does not know it yet. He is definitely not mature enough to handle the information so that is under wraps until such time. I have begged my man to get his children counseling. She is pleasant enough, but there are still signs of her addiction. You can tell she is working very hard at staying sober…mostly because the meds she is on will not mix with anything else. With mom in town, the youngest will not do anything unless mom is there.

We were not allowed in his mind to eat anywhere that mom did not approve of. I get it. This boy needs and wants his mom so bad he will do anything, including being horrible to me and my child. He is fairly close in age to my son so they usually play very well together.

But with mom in town, he seems to think it is okay to be nasty to all of us…dad, me, his brother, and my son. My son was so excited Christmas Eve and wanted to share his excitement so he thought he could share it with the kid. I have had talks with him about his tongue, civil talks explaining things calmly. His dad has. We both have very short fuses with his behavior which is no good for anyone. The worst part, mom would not make her son apologize.

If you want to be back as mom, you have to take all the stuff that comes with it. I ended up telling my man and he took him aside, talked to him and he went and apologized to my son. All of this broke my heart!

It broke my heart to see my son so sad about no santa and the other horrible things he said to my boy. If this is what you want, then continue and let his behavior continue. I think I have finally talked him into getting the youngest therapy at least…which is a step in the right direction. But until then…I hate his youngest son. He is such a horrible human being. I have seen that my man has pretty much given up besides the fact my man wears his guilt on his sleeve.

He has guilt for not being his real father. And guilt that he never told him. Guilt that he hid the child from his father for 2 years. He knows there is a problem, and I am offering up a solution…I just wish he would take it. We have been fighting more lately because with mom back in the picture, he has become more combative with me and my boy. I am totally floored that my child still wants to play with him.

I get along with his oldest son. His father was the instructor. And I instantly had a crush on him… he never knew. But looking back, we both knew it was in the cards for us. The love I have with him is unmatched by another man and his love for me is the same. The commonalities we have are astounding and quite unique.

I believe he is my soul mate, and I his. I hate to see that people have given up and left the situation. I feel like doing the same, but I will keep fighting for what is right for me and my son and for that boy. And tells me to shut up. I have never wanted to hurt a child before…but I am so incredibly close.

His behavior caused us to fight on Christmas Day. How do you tell your man that you think his kid is the devil incarnate? Matter of factly, thats how. I apologized for feeling like that, but that is how I feel. I care about both kids. I hurt for them. Even people that hate kids…love my kid. He is very sweet, kind, gentle… to hurt him seems so incredibly horrible to me.

My Dh had a long talk with him today about not following rules in our home and he feels like they are all designed to thwart his existence all 4 kids must abide. She had been counting on my Dh moving closer to her to help shuttle around the kids once her BF kicked her out of the house but instead he moved to be closer to me. I feel all the pain you ladies are going through. My ex is remarried and I am so grateful for what she does for my DD. I have been taking care of both SS for 3 summers we got married last year to save BM money with camp and this is the thanks I get.

I am so overwhelmed. I know how you all feel. My husband is the guilty dad who did all the fun things. I told him that with fun comes parenting.

I accidentally started doing it. His kids are spoiled. Messy little princesses. He cleans their room for them because I refuse to. All she wants to do at dads is watch YouTube for hours straight. I tried to limit it once and she pouted until the time went off for her to get her tv back. But she acts so sweet to me when grandma and other adults watch. Stares at me with this creepy smile. We only get them every other weekend.

And his younger daughter has streaks of violence but somehow no one sees or believes it. She once said she would kill my baby if it was a boy. They used to love me until we told their mum we were having a baby. I worry my daughter will turn out like them because of an over involved mother in law in place too. So let me be the evil step mom who sides with the step moms who dislike their step kids. They will miss out.

I refuse to let them do what they want just so dad feels like they want to come over. Kids need boundaries. People need to lay off the step moms. We have a shitty job most of the time. The way I see it is that if their moms took the time to parent. But one thing I do is encourage my husband to see them. I used to be super step mom until their moms screwed me over. Hate on me all you like. You know there are so many people who feel the same. I married a man with kids. When you do it to step kids you get reprimanded for trying to parent them.

This is why so many step kids are turning into lazy entitled spoiled brats. Life is hard. You need to work hard for things. I was a step child. We got the same treatment as my little brother and sister. But in the end she saved me from being a crappy person. She also gave me lots of love. So suck it up. Be a parent. You are taking good care of yourself by setting boundaries with your step children and your husband.

It is possible that your stepchildren feel threatened by the new baby. I heard from other families that especially when bio-mom feels threatened by their ex having a baby, they project it to their children, who then start feeling that they may be emotionally abandoned by their father because of the baby. One-on-one attention from their father might help them feel more secure in their relationship with him.

My patient just reach the limit, im tired being good step mom that run over by 2 disrespectful and liar kids. My husband and i been married for 2 yrs, he has 18yrs old daughter and 15 yrs old son, they both hated me.

I have a 12 yr old daughter but my husband never had a problem with her. His 18 yrs old daughter was so mad when my husband take me with him to claim her at the jail from shoplifting for 3rd time. My husband son is different story for making money, he makes stories that lost money and accusing me while im the one working and giving him school money and the dad replaced his lost money that he said.

He even make stories and i dont feed him,omg! I tried to explain to my in laws but i dont have a power over his son. Until now were not talking and theyre not talking to my daughter either, i gave up, i just let it happen until when my patient can take it. I too, have 2 stepsons who have been brainwashed to hate me well, the younger one actually likes me because he is stubborn and defiant to his own mother. I really think that many of our problems as stepmoms stem from 3 areas: 1.

Point one is obvious and is out of our control as stepmothers. If bio mom is evil, there is nothing we can do but ignore her and have as little interaction as possible with both her and any comments or similarities that arise from her children.

Point two is something that we all step and bio parents must struggle against. It is NOT ok to put a parent-child relationship above a spousal relationship, regardless of what society and all the counselors say. One way to battle this damaging societal message is to explain to children that marriage comes first, and WHY you choose your partner, not your kids; your partner is joined with you as ONE; kids will grow up and have families of their own, while a spouse is for life; etc.

Taking your kids to church can help enforce this crucial message. Point three is a big stepmom mistake. Stop trying so hard. You married a man, not his kids. His kids already have two parents. You can be an aid to your husband, and a meaningful adult figure in your stepkids lives, but they will NEVER accept you as a mother, so save yourself the resentment. Suggest summer camps, nannies, or babysitter services to your husband.

Helping him out by dropping them off at camp is one thing, but torturing yourself all day can ruin your marriage as resentment builds. Another thing: I get annoyed cleaning up after my own daughter, who openly loves and appreciates me. So, you either need to make your husband make them clean up after themselves, or make your husband clean up after them, or if even that turns into tedious nagging which none of us like , then get your husband to hire a maid service.

We have a maid service clean biweekly on the Monday after the stepkids have had their weekend visit. This completely removes resentment from the equation. The bottom line is that even if your step kids tell you for years that they love you, and you think you have a great relationship with them, they will drop you in a flash for their bio mom. This is the harsh reality. Save yourself the heartache and resentment. Be patient and kind, but firm with your boundaries.

If your husband truly loves you and married you for you, then he will be happy to pay for summer camp and a maid. Good luck. Excellent advice! Had my husband clean up after his kids and hire a maid service.

Did it after my stepdaughter point blankly told me I had no place in the family but she had no problem with me cooking and cleaning… I refuse to be a servant in my own home. Excellent summary of why it happens and how to cope. I agree the Stepmother is their to provide loving support and guidance to her husband.

What has helped our situation also is to have a united front when dealing with children, both biodad and stepmom are on the same page. I totally agree with everything you said especially the part about being an aid to your husband. I tell all my friends who are newly married to men with children who live primarily with the mother, be an assistant to Dad no more no less. After the roller coaster of emotions of having great visits with my step children and horrible visits with them I finally decided to establish some healthy benefits for myself when it comes to interacting with them to protect my feelings.

I was so depleted from spending wonderful quality time with them only for them to shun me the second their mom came around. I scaled back my efforts to parent them and my need to feel liked by them and opted to be more of an aid to their Dad when needed. I let him do the bulk of the interaction and I take a backseat. It sounds like you bent over backwards to establish a healthy relationship with your stepchildren.

Your husband has a crucial role in the process of you and his biological children building a relationship. I agree with you that children need consistent boundaries. That actually gives them a sense of safety in their home life and trust in their parents.

Your husband needs to support you, when talking to his children, and role model to them how much he appreciates and cherishes you. I find your approach healthy and practical.

It sounds like backing off from parenting your stepchildren is working for all of you. I have been with my husband since my step son was 18 months old he is now 15 we are having issues with him. He is very angry with us avoids coming to visit us.

Mom has bashed me for years. About a year and half ago his mom told him the reason his mom and dad are no longer together is because of me. That his dad left her for me. Not true they were separated. We feel that this is where is anger towards us is coming from. We have always been a loving family I have two children from previous and we have a daughter together. My son and he are a year apart and have shared a room and have been buddies throughout the past 14 years but that has also changed.

How do we handle this? It sounds like a case of divided loyalties. It is interesting that it started only a year and a half ago.

Perhaps something else happened other then her telling him that you broke them up. It is probably hard for him to decide who is telling the truth. Somehow he feels that he has to choose sides. I would suggest considering therapy with a therapist who understands adolescents.

He may need a trusted therapist to process his anger and develop communication skills as well as stress management skills that will help him get through this phase. You may need some family therapy as well. Your stepson needs reassurance from both your husband and you that you understand his confusion, and that it must be hard to decide who is telling the truth. Tell him that while you know that what you are telling him is the truth, it is not a topic for him to worry about because he needs to focus on growing up and enjoying the remaining years of his childhood.

I know it sounds selfish. My step daughter is 29 years old, a therapist, no less, and an absolute manipulative, lying, hateful person. She has lied to her father about me for the last 10 years. In the meantime, she sucks as much money from her father as she possibly can. Her mother sends me insane texts and emails about how I victimize her daughter. I have spent 10 years in therapy over this crazy family. I have listened to all their insults and lies for the last time.

My husband lives in a fantasy that she and I will come together someday. I am very uncomfortable with disliking anyone. If you are referring to my post which is the only one here with advice to take them to church to reinforce values , then let me explain how marriage works biblically.

Preferable to remain celibate and single, but if not then 2. Get married. This is where you seem to stop. The Bible however goes on: 3. Hard of heart means many things ranging from cheating to physical or emotional abandonment, to pretty much any violation of whatever marriage terms the two of you agreed upon. Everyone makes mistakes but when one partner cheats or abuses that is an acceptable end. Another acceptable end is more vague and involves the emotional abandonment aspect… one partner for whatever reason completely shuts down or goes out of their way to consistently hurt their partner, counseling has failed and there is no reconciliation, that is emotional abandonment, or hardness of heart, and the other partner may file for divorce.

God knows that we were not meant to be alone, and remarriage does occur several times in the Bible. The original marriage is null and void, and ceases to exist in the past, present, and future, and the new marriage becomes the one true marriage and is expected to be for a lifetime.

You see, God knew some people would purposefully destroy their own marriages usually out of some selfishness. We were not put on this Earth to suffer at the hands of another human and we certainly cannot reach our fullest potential or use the gifts we were given when we are hurting.

Did God originally want us to divorce and remarry? But because some people insist on being assholes, and hurting others, God reluctantly allows remarriage as a relief to better allow his children to complete their calling. Yes, the children of divorce suffer.

That is why we have forums like his to vent and share ideas. It shows that we are trying to lovingly help raise children that are not ours, and sometimes that means stepping back from a parent role when there is resistance. Her MO was to stay out all night, sleep until noon, then sit on the couch day in and day out playing FarmVille, never cleaning or cooking, and the pot tots sometimes had to urinate in their bedroom while they were locked in there as she slept.

Only someone with an evil heart would force my husband to stay married to his ex, and only someone with an evil heart would call him a hypocrite when he gets out of such a situation and finds peace and happiness which is a better environment for children btw. But we do it for the kids. However, I would advise that we all take a good long look at ourselves and really try to make it work.

Telling new stepmothers that their marriage is hypocritical and taking kids to church is wrong is not helpful at all, and seems to be an angry barb from the mind of a resentful bio parent. Keep in mind that being a stepmother is not easy. Your kid could have gotten a worse woman as a stepmother. I was tanning under the beautiful sun of Tulum, Mexico, and my nine-year-old stepdaughter was lying on the lounge chair next to me, munching on some chips and sipping her lemon soda.

I think Disney is unfair showing stepmothers as evil people. You are not evil. What a shocking statement! The portrayal of stepmothers as villains in Disney movies is such a common concept that anything else sounds and looks unreal. As a child, I read Cinderella and as a grown up, I was pinned down to watch the movie because my stepdaughter wanted me to, both of which show how horrible Disney depicts stepmothers; how detestable it envisions us and how abhorrent we become in the eyes and minds of stepchildren and children in general.

As a matter of fact, the total opposite is what I customarily do. But why? Why does Disney hate us, stepmothers, so much? Let me begin from the start. Disney just tweaked it to look modern and believable, and voila! We have the perfect formula of how to hate a stepmother. If you took the step of marrying someone or are about to marry someone with children from a previous relationship, you have already agreed to a non-negotiable addendum to your already life-long contract.

When I first met my stepdaughter in , she was five. She cried her lungs out the entire ride from the airport where her father picked her up to take her to our house. I had already raised my hands and prayed for help. She would rather walk next to him as if seeking shelter from a monster. I hated the entire trip and mostly cried in the cabin we rented or watched Friends. That was when I realized she had been told to act that way, she had been a victim, just like myself. Children are walking parrots.